In the book Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by relationship expert John M. Gottman, PhD conceptualizes the findings of his “Love Lab” research at the University of Washington. Included in the findings are exercises couples can utilize to solve problems in their relationships. Here are three steps you can use to conquer those problems:
1.Identify the Problem
Like most things in life, you get out what you put into it. Relationships are no different, if you want to have one that is meaningful you need to put time and effort into it. The first step to solving a problem in the relationship is to identify the problem you are trying to tackle.
2.Define Your Circle
On a piece of paper, draw a large circle with a smaller circle in the middle. In the inner circle, make a list of aspects to the problem you are not willing to budge on. In the outer circle, make a list of all the aspects you are willing to compromise.
Inner Circle
- I want to watch NFL football
- I want to watch the game with my friends
Outer Circle
- I can compromise on watching football only on Sunday afternoons
- I can compromise on watching Real Housewives a few hours per week together
Angelica
Inner Circle
- I want us to watch television together
- I want to watch Real Housewives…
Outer Circle
- I can compromise on watching one game of football per week together
- I prefer to watch television together but I’m willing to watch separately for a few hours.
3. Find Common Aspects
Once you have made your lists, share it with your partner. Recognize if there are any areas in which you are able to find common ground. The list you may be much longer than Angelica and Dwight’s, however the goal is to work together to solve problems in your relationship. This exercise will help you identify areas in which you may agree, disagree, or have common feelings. If your common solution is not working, begin the process over and work together to find an alternative compromise.
