If I had a nickel for every time I have been reminded to put the toilet seat down I think I’d have enough money to retire comfortably. Constantly I thought to myself, “I wish she would just get off my back about it and put the seat down herself.” I never understood why my fiancé would be so offended over such a minor issue. Now, I can honestly say that I have pretty much mastered the toilet seat issue but not without many reminders, conscious effort, and thinking beyond the surface.
Content vs. Process
I have learned that in order to solve the toilet seat issue it required me to look past the surface of the request and see the underlying messages attached with consistent forgetfulness. In family therapy we achieve this by asking Process Questions. Process Questions are intended to assist people in seeing past the content to the process, the deeper meaning. An example of a Process Question is, “What is it about leaving the toilet seat that makes her so upset?”
When asking myself these questions I was able to see past the content of, “Why won’t you put down the toilet seat?” and recognize the real question she was asking me, “Why wont you respect me?” It’s very easy to just look at the content that is being communicated and not recognize the underlying messages. I did not realize that every time I left the toilet seat up I was communicating that I did not respect my fiancé. In addition, I was communicating that I did not care enough to make any effort to change.
From Nagging to Understanding
After understanding the hurtful message that I was constantly sending I decided that I was going to make a change. I told my fiancé, “I recognize this is important for you and I am going to make the effort to remember.” Of course I forgot many times while making this change, but she recognized that I was able to see beyond the content of her request and value her voice in our relationship. And the funny thing is, not only was I changing but I noticed she was changing as well. All she wanted to see was my effort. When she saw that I was making a conscious decision to respect her, the “nagging” turned to understanding.
Relationships Are Filled With Toilet Seats
Okay, maybe you’re already an expert at putting the toilet seat down but there are many “toilet seats” in relationships. Maybe you’re toilet seat is that you are tired of hearing your partner complaining about how much time you spend on your phone. Or maybe you’re their always bothering you about watching too much sports or watching too much reality television. Whatever the toilet seat is, if we address it by moving beyond the content and seeing the deeper meaning, real actual change can occur in our relationships.
